To Kiss An Idol

Nivritti kept her eyes lowered and hid her face with her palm as everyone kept staring at her wearing a scrub but with an expensive overcoat. When Jae-Geun and Nivritti reached outside Hei-Ran’s office, they saw that members were waiting for them.

“Are you okay?” Young-Chul ran towards her and asked urgently.

“Yes, I am fine,” smiled Nivritti. “Sorry, can’t talk, I am late,” she said and started moving inside the cabin.

But Young-Chul grabbed her arm and pulled her back. There was a collective gasp from Jeong-Eun and Kyung-Soo. Even Nivritti was shocked. She knew he hated to touch everyone but here he was touching her arm.

“I am not waiting an hour for you. Are you okay?” asked Young-Chul, again.

“I told you I am fine,” said Nivritti.

“Pain?”

She scoffed, “a little. I will message you the details later, MY.” She again rushed towards the door.

.....

“Wait! Is this why the Rencontre team asked us not to pick them?”

“What?” asked Nivritti.

“You were feeling the pain since morning!!” shouted Young-Chul.

Nivritti bit her lips and shook her head. She didn’t want to tell them that she was not okay. “Yeah! I went back home to rest and CH called you guys that the team won’t work with you today.” She avoided telling them that Jae-Hwa didn’t want to spend any time alone with Dae.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” shouted Kyung-Soo.

“Do I have to tell you everything that happens to me?” asked Nivritti.

“YES!!” shouted all three at once.

“O…kay! Talk to you later. And PJ, I will solve your issue. Sorry about today,” she said and went inside leaving the four men outside.

“Sorry doctor! I am extremely sorry for being late,” shouted Nivritti as soon as she entered the office and closed the door behind her.

“It’s okay, Jaegeuna told me. How is pain now?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Oh! Cramps come and go, I am an idiot. I completely forgot about my date,” said Nivritti.

“Late or early?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Early by three days.”

“Did Jaegeuna give you any medicine?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Yeah, he gave me a painkiller.”

“And scrubs,” laughed Hei-Ran.

Nivritti laughed with her, “yes, apparently,” and sat down on the chair.

“So, Nivritti I have read your file and discussed everything with your doctor. You have a long list of diagnoses. Cynophobia, clinical depression, psychogenic mutism, abandonment issues, commitment issues, they almost diagnosed you to have PTSD. Mostly, I don’t tell my patients the diagnosis. I want them to reach to this level, but I know you know all this as you have been on and off going to therapy for years. Can you tell me what is the immediate threat that you think we have to work first on?” asked Hei-Ran.

“As you know my history, you know about what happened with my love life,” said Nivritti and gulped to take pause.

“Yes, Ritvik, who abandoned you without giving any clarifications,” replied Hei-Ran.

“Yeah! And you know I almost have PTSD because of him. He keeps calling me, following me everywhere, even though he is married,” said Nivritti.

“And you have been running away from him,” said Hei-Ran.

“Yeah, so sometimes I have nightmares that he found me and then I am unable to sleep. I have this fear that he will one day just appear before me, and I won’t be able to stop him or face him for that matter. If he ever appears, I need to be prepared, I don’t want to break down before him, I want to… take control of that situation… not fall apart like the first time,” sniffled Nivritti. Tears started falling down her eyes.

Hei-Ran stood up from her seat and grabbed the box of tissues and gave it to Nivritti. “It’s a good thing that you are feeling emotions and crying. If you would have said all this with a straight face I would have been concerned.”

Nivritti blew her nose and wiped her tears and looked at Hei-Ran. “So, you want to go to a place where he won’t affect you anymore, won’t affect the decisions of your life?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Yes, I want to go to a place where I can live without thinking about him. I want to go to such a time where even if I cross paths with him, I won’t pay him any attention, he would be a stranger to me and won’t take up my time, my thoughts and my feelings. I don’t want to waste anything on him anymore. I just want to sleep peacefully, doctor,” said Nivritti while wiping her tears.

“Why do you think he affects you still?” asked Hei-Ran.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to think about him, I don’t want to talk about him, I don’t want to spend a single second on him but somehow he is still in my life, and I hate it. I absolutely hate him,” Nivritti gritted her teeth.

“Anger! That’s good!” smiled Hei-Ran and placed her hand on Nivritti’s shoulder. “Your first stage was depression and now you moved to anger, that means you are making progress.”

Nivritti sniffled, “anger? But I thought depression came after anger. How is depression being the first stage a good thing?”

“Okay, everyone makes this mistake. True that grief has five stages, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance but Kubler-Ross, who gave this concept made it clear that these stages were, in fact, non-linear. You can experience these stages at different times, and they don’t occur in any particular order. It depends on you, how you process grief,” explained Hei-Ran.

Nivritti kept staring at her and listening to her wise words. Hei-Ran continued, “as per your file, you bargained with him at the very first stage, you then went into denial and then depression, and now you are in anger. All I have to do is take you from there to the Acceptance stage. Mind you that is the most difficult step.”

Nivritti nodded, “okay.”

“Suppose he comes in front of you today, what will be your first reaction?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Hit him with whatever comes to my hand,” replied Nivritti through gritted teeth.

“Okay! So you think you can hurt him as he hurt you?” asked Hei-Ran.

“I can do much worse,” replied Nivritti.

“Won’t you freeze?”

“What?”

“You said you have nightmares, that means you are scared of him,” explained Hei-Ran.

“I just don’t want him to come back to my life and manipulate me with his words,” replied Nivritti.

“So, you think you will go back to him if he divorces his wife and comes and tells you that he still loves you?” asked Hei-Ran.

“No, never,” shouted Nivritti. “I know what mistake I made the first time. I am not going to repeat it again, ever again.”

“And what mistake is that?”

“Trusting someone more than myself, being too clingy, thinking that I would have my happily ever after, being delusional that someone can love me, thinking that I would be the number one priority for someone,” replied Nivritti and twisted her lips to avoid crying.

“So, after that incident, you have not trusted anyone else?” asked Hei-Ran.

“No, no one,” replied Nivritti.

“Not even your family,” asked Hei-Ran.

“Oh, I had to count them?” asked Nivritti, shocked.

“Of course! You are in a relationship with them,” said Hei-Ran.

“Yes, I trust them,” replied Nivritti.

“As per your file, you never tell anyone where you are or about your life. So have you told your parents that you are in Korea?” asked Hei-Ran.

Nivritti was taken aback. Her mouth fell open with shock. She realised that she didn’t even trust her family. She had not told anyone that she was in Korea. There was no one except her doctors who knew about her life.

Wait! There was one other person, who knew about her, everything about her, Kyung-Soo. He knew everything about her, every single detail, how she fell for Ritvik, how many times she kissed him, how many times, she made love, that she got pregnant, that she had an abortion, that she was in therapy, that she was damaged.

She was shocked that her family knew nothing about her, but Kyung-Soo knew everything.

“Nivritti!” nudged Hei-Ran.

Nivritti finally exhaled and looked at her, “I believe I don’t trust my family. They don’t know where I am or anything about my job.”

“And why is that?” asked Hei-Ran.

“Because every time I have told them, somehow Ritvik had found out and had started calling me and harassing me,” replied Nivritti.

“But that does not mean that is their fault. He must be monitoring their activities and that’s how he finds you out every time,” explained Hei-Ran.

“Yeah, and since they know nothing about me, Ritvik has not been able to contact me till now,” replied Nivritti.

“So, they don’t even have your number?” asked Hei-Ran, shocked.

“No, they don’t.”

“You know that is a very lonely way to live and that can be a reason for your nightmares,” said Hei-Ran.

“What?” scoffed Nivritti. “I am not lonely. I have my work and friends.”

“Being lonely makes you think about things from your past and that lingering feeling affects your sleep and hence nightmares. And sorry for saying that but you only have one friend, maybe two, Jae-siblings!” Hei-Ran shook her head in disbelief.